Online Dating Icebreaker: Nonsense Never Sells

Posted: January 8th, 2016 - 11:52:10 PM
So this particular person had a lot of interest in humor, comedy, nonsense... yada yada yada. I felt a fit of absurdity hit me so I figured I'd just kind of get off the rails and see where the thoughts took me. As per usual my silly flair chimed in pretty quick and I managed to alienate yet another soul from my ever-decreasing list of potential matches.

Silly, humor, comedy, nonsense... hmm, I'm not sure if I'm capable of any of that but I'll start off by saying that this is actually my second attempt at messaging you. The first one, I loath to admit, was thwarted. Yes it's true, I was going to type out what could only have been referred to as "classy" and "saturated with brilliance" by online dating reviewers (if that isn't a job now, just wait...) and needless to say, you'd have been pretty impressed. Alas, as I started to type it a black-clad man with superb kickboxing skills jumped out of the closet and we dun threw down.

Now I'm not one to brag here (cough) but I was pretty deft with my cat-like reflexes. Upon dispatching said black-clad man I was then confronted by what can only be described as a polar bear with some sort of herpes outbreak. You know, warts on lips kind of thing. Hey, I'm not judging, whatever the polar bear wants to do, with whoever he does it with is totally cool with me but anyways, moving on... So he starts chasing me and I had to make the quick decision of a) going for a weapon (which was ironically enough made specifically to fight herpes ridden polar bears) or b) grab the laptop to ensure I could safely message you at a later time. Wasn't really much of a decision, I grabbed the laptop and ran out the door.

At this point I had to reach deep down, you know, break out all the stops because it was time for parkour. I'm not sure if you're familiar with this but polar pears are not, in fact, very good with obstacles, jumping and traversing rooftops (I can confirm this as I saw it in National Geographic the other day). So I knew that would be my best means of escape. I mean, don't get me wrong Cynthia, I wanted to message you pretty bad but I mean, who's gonna fight a polar bear for you before the first date? Maybe after the 2nd or 3rd but at this point, I just wasn't really ready for that level of commitment. Nonetheless after a few neighborhoods and some amazingly talented acrobatics the polar bear was properly dismayed and I got away with the laptop to find myself at Starbucks coffee.

So here I am, regaling you with what I can only assume will be the most ludicrous message you've got on a dating website (at least, one that didn't have pictures of a guy's "manhood") in what hopefully comes off as a clever means of saying "hey, I'm silly and it's quite possible I know how to have a good time". Although I'm sure it could just as easily come off as "Hey, i think snapple bottles are fantastic conversationalists" but I'm hoping you'll assume the former.

Number of replies: 0

Making Good Memories

Posted: August 2nd, 2014 - 8:06:47 AM
As I get older the desire to "make my mark on the world" strengthens. I see it in a lot of females, they want to feed the homeless, help kids read and/or save the world. All good things, no doubt but my contribution feels like it needs to be more singular, more personal, perhaps more clever. Being that I like a good story, I figure that will be my contribution to the world. I think when you cross someone's path in life, if they remember you fondly, you did your part. That happiness of those moments spent together will be remembered and hopefully give that person a smile when times are dark. So that being said, I started to make nice little gestures that people could perhaps turn into fond memories. I've been doing this for a little while now and I like to think I've making my meager contribution.

One thing that I like to do is simply write something nice on a check when I leave a restaurant. "You are beautiful" or "Your smile warmed me". I'm not at all being insincere by writing it but it's something that most people would have kept to themselves rather than openly compliment another. I don't leave any contact information on the check because I think that would ruin the sincerity of the gesture. Generally, I'll never see any of these people again but when they pick up the check, they'll get a compliment and perhaps a smile to help get them through the day.

My daughter has started to do her own version as well. She knows I do these little things for people and she really likes the concept. So what my daughter tends to do is hug the waitresses or tell them how pretty they are when we leave the restaurant. My daughter is 8 years old now and very cute. When a kid does that to someone, they are all smiles and it lasts for a while.

One time my daughter and I were leaving a restaurant and our waitress came running out saying that my daughter had left her coat. My daughter went up to the waitress and instead of grabbing the coat she hugged the waitress and said "I love you". The waitress was pretty much putty at that point, so freakin happy. My daughter grabbed the coat, walked back over to me and as I watched the waitress wave goodbye with a huge smile on her face my daughter looks at me, nods and gives me a fist bump. I'm not at all kidding and that's no exaggeration, that's my daughter in a nutshell. She passed through that woman's life and the woman will always remember that fond moment when a little girl filled her work shift with a lot more warmth.

Another time I was at Banera's Pread (I'm respecting the anonymity of the restaurant) and as per usual I opened the door for what seemed an endless line of people (I had flashbacks to that opening scene in Star Wars where that really long starship flew bye and it took minutes to see it all). Nonetheless, I opened the door and the last two people in the door were these old ladies. Once they got in, one of them looked at me and said "Why don't you go in front of us, since you opened the door". I smiled very big because this was always a point of contention for me. I always hold the door for people and they always just butt in front of me. Most say "thank you" but nobody ever allows me to be sat in front of them. So I looked at the elderly ladies and told them that they were the first kind people to make this gesture and I was very appreciative. So I got in the line in front of them and being as covert as possible, paid for their meals. Now I've never really done this before and I just thought they may say "thank you young man" but after I turned back around I saw two elderly ladies hurtling at me with mind boggling speed and arms stretched out. They showered me with so much unexpected praise and so many tears that I felt really, really awkward. I wasn't expecting this. Apparently one had just gotten out of the hospital and that little kindness really hit home with her and they were just so overjoyed by it. So after much admiration (which I really didn't deserve) and by now, not-so-warm food, I sat down outside to feed the pigeons as I ate. I had a huge smile on my face and I think I made a good memory that day for some people that could have used one.

I Love to Laugh

Posted: August 1st, 2014 - 10:39:19 AM
So if you've ventured into the dating world of online dating and you're a male you'll no doubt have noticed that every single female has two common things in their profile:

"I love to laugh"
"I'm very sarcastic"

What a waste of text in a profile. I see it time and time again and it's just mind numbing. It's almost as if each dating site automatically inserts that text into people's profiles to help the rest of the known world realize that these people are not in fact robots. Let's look at each statement a little more closely.

I love to laugh is quite possibly the most redundant thing to ever write in a dating profile. Here you are, trying to look your best. You've got that pretty dress on, you're in the bathroom taking a closeup selfie of your breasts and it strikes you "what if this person doesn't realize I enjoy laughter?" Well of course you've got to ensure that your possible soulmate doesn't incorrectly assume that you are disgusted when you laugh, that your own laughter does not repulse you and make you want to club baby seals. Quite obviously there are so many of your dating competitors that do not like laughter and they conversely write in their profile "I will piss of the embers of our love should you even so much as giggle at a joke." Seriously though, why not simply put "I think a man with a sense of humor is very attractive" that would just sound so much more sensible and intelligent then saying that it makes you happy to do something that makes you happy. derp.

I'm very sarcastic this one is a little less obvious and that's fine. Sarcasm is a relative term. Some would call me very sarcastic, others may say 'not so much' so it's relative value is massively dependent on the source of the information. I do believe that if you say 'I am very sarcastic' in your dating profile it should be followed up with something bordering on... that's right, sarcasm! I've done my homework here, I've talked to people, went out on dates and a lot of people do in fact, have sarcasm. It would be far more noteworthy to say that "I am void of sarcasm" and then I'd have a little bit more useful information to go on.

The people that are really sarcastic tend not to mention it. It's like a secret morse code to the other people that are sarcastic. They hide this code in their profile embedded in tons of sarcasm. If you read that person's profile and say "wow, that person is kind of a dick" chances are you didn't break the code and you're not as sarcastic as you thought you were. Coupled that with the fact that you didn't laugh (and we all know you love to), it's probably not a good match for you anyways.

It's also important to note that I am entirely hypocritical. I have messaged females that have said all of these things, multiple times. Why? Weren't you reading? Because they all say it. You gotta work with what you got and chances are it doesn't really reflect on that person's character at all. "Then why bitch about it?" you say? Because I'm sarcastic. Christ, have you not been following along?

To those special, elite few, who let their sarcasm speak for them and actually make me laugh out loud as I read through their profiles: I salute you. I would have messaged you but I was too busy loving my laughter and couldn't compose myself to send a sarcastic message.


Posted: July 28th, 2014 - 1:17:42 AM
Clearly I wasn't notified when cockroaches became the most feared predator in the world. Cockroaches are apparently evil spawns from the abyss that would steal your baby and flee into the night while keying your car and shouting expletives at elderly neighbors. While that doesn't sound entirely accurate that seems to be opinion of just about every woman I've ever dated. I just don't see it. When matched up against a shark the cockroach SHOULD lose the the top spot for 'most intimidating' creature but apparently it's neck and neck, well, if either creature had necks anyway.

Don't get me wrong though, I've certainly had my moments of fear. When I was around 10 years old I was going to go to my little league baseball game and I was putting on my baseball tights in the living room. My father and sister were on the couch nearby, watching TV. So I put these skin tight pants as I was fixed on the TV show. I get the pants all the way on and start putting on my jersey and that's when I felt a little bit of movement against my leg. Since my pants are white and skin tight it wasn't terribly hard to pinpoint the source of the disturbance which was evidently a two inch long Palmetto bug (aka huge-ass cockroach). That's when the girlish screams started howling from my mouthhole. Coincidentally girlish screams also erupted from my sister and she was having a hard time breathing while laughing at me running around the room while trying to get away from my pants (yes, I realize this seems like an absurd futility but it seemed so very necessary at the time). Eventually I got the pants off and the Cockroach was doomed by the ever-accurate foot of my father. I suppose it could have been worse though, that this whole thing could have played out while I was in the outfield of my baseball game. Talk about childhood trauma.

Probably the best memory of a cockroach incident was living with my ex-wife. She had this audible way of showing disgust that was unique to the sight of cockroaches. She'd see one and then I'd hear this guttural, throaty noise that went something like:


That noise was like the Bat Signal because when I heard it, I had to be a man and save my wife from the diabolical cockroaches who had ventured from their dark places in the house. So I lumbered away from my computer to find the roach in question. I survey the scene of the crime.

The roach or Palmetto bug was on the far living room wall, across from the kitchen. My wife was in the kitchen using the counter as a barricade in case, as I would have to assume, the cockroach opened fire. She was ducking behind the counter pointing over at the cockroach on the wall with quick flurrying hand gestures. Perhaps some incantation to ward off evil spirits? Dunno. I was already laughing really hard because she was so terrified despite the distance of over 20 feet and a countertop in between her and her what appeared to be her archnemsis. At this time we also had the A/C repair guy over and was in the laundry room welding something on the A/C. The laundry room was connected to the kitchen. After taking it all in, laughing at my wife's misfortune, I then take off my shoe and walk over to the cockroach. I'm about to take a swing and that's when the magic happened.

The roach sprouted wings and flew directly at my wife.

I didn't have time to react so I just sat there with this bemused expression on my face as my wife screamed at the top of her lungs and ran towards the closest exit available which was the laundry room, which was directly through the A/C guy who was welding, which was fucking awesome. She's screaming, clawing past the A/C guy, he's now freaking out cause he doesn't know what the fuck is going on and the cockroach has landed and is just happily sitting on the counter. He probably knew his time was up and was like "it was so worth it".

My wife freed herself from the shackles of the A/C guy and ran out of the house. I had to relieve the cockroach and explain to the A/C guy what happened, which was very hard seeing as though I couldn't breath from laughing so hard. The shocker was that my wife was not amused. At all. In fact that opposite of amusement, she was pretty pissed. I can't imagine why she'd be mad but then went into her room and closed the door.

Nowadays, I will sadly slay a cockroach when it ventures into my home but I do still feel bad for killing that cockroach that flew at my wife because due to his bravery, I have this awesome story to share.

Online Dating Icebreaker: Helpy Helperton

Posted: July 28th, 2014 - 12:59:26 AM
So this girl had a pretty fun profile but at the end she said that she could never figure out how to fill in the "You should message me if" section. So I felt I was obligated to help. This is what I gave her to finish her profile:

You should message me if:

If you think you could take me in a Thunderdome style battle to the death while toting a small midget around on your back and screaming something about blue crayons. Despite everyone in the audience thinking you sound like an absolute moron about the blue crayon thing, you just keep going, looking like a tool and then you trip on some piece of metal because you were so singularly fixated on the blue crayon thing (i mean seriously, what the fuck is up with god damned blue crayons?!!?) and fall. Now the midget is pissed off and he's talking shit and the last thing anyone wants here is a shit-talking midget. So you unhook the midget and talk down to him (literally and figuratively) to let him know who's boss but throughout this entire time I'm totally sitting around going "Do i even get to fight this guy?" and you just look at me and scream "BLUE CRAYYYONNNNS" which leads me to believe you're actually like the "special" guy from Thunderdome and then the reference finally makes sense and all is well.

Circle of fucking life, yo.

Number of replies: 0

Dating Horror Story: You like that, don't you?

Posted: July 28th, 2014 - 12:10:20 AM
Everyone has heard some online dating horror stories and one of my favorite things to do is inquire about them to the people I know or who I've met. This one comes from a good friend about an adventure she had when she went out on a date with a guy named Hal. Here we go...

So the night was going well. There was no real romance and that was sufficient for my friend up until that point. They get into the car and Hal asks if my friend would like to hear a sample of his singing. My friend (being the nice person that she is) says "that would be lovely" and then Hal breaks out a CD and starts it up. Apparently Hal was quite the gifted opera singer and he had done some pretty solid stuff. They listened for a few minutes, my friend was impressed. There was no doubt the man could sing Then, all of the sudden the overhead light turns on to reveal Hal's manliness that had, through some amazing fit of misfortune, broke free of his incarceration in Hal's underwear. My friend looks down at Hal's member, Hal looks up at her and says (and I quote):

"Ahhh, you like that, don't you?"

Now Hal was a grown ass man, not some 20 year old kid that doesn't understand that cocks weren't meant to roam free during opera exhibitions and with his smug look on his face, his dick on the outside of his pants, the loud opera music and from what I would have to assume were some old ass balls, my friend did the only sensible thing, she laughed.

She didn't just chuckle, oh no sir, this was a full body snorting kind of laughter. The kind that makes a person's stomach hurt and she had to extricate herself from the car due to her unease at just how hard she was laughing. Now I don't know about you and I can't say I've employed this all-too-romantic tactic on an unsuspecting lady but I would have to assume that this doesn't do much for a man's self confidence. I'm fairly sure Hal felt a little smaller (figuratively and literally) after the whole thing played out. My friend ended up taking a cab and that was that.

She later theorized that he had to have a name for his member but she didn't stick around to find out. Apparently she would see him from time to time with a date and she'd just say "ahhh, you like that, don't you?" and oddly enough, it did not invigorate Hal with laughter.

Some people just don't understand genius. Hal was a trailblazer and we should all be so brave as to indulge women's fantasies of grown-ass men, opera singing, cock and/or balls. I for one salute Hal for his staunch contribution in the face of adversity (and laughter). Now if I could only find some opera on iTunes my "salute" would be much more rigid.

Nonetheless, what a great story. Thanks anonymous friend of mine!

Online Dating Icebreaker: Pooping

Posted: July 27th, 2014 - 11:56:15 PM
So from time to time I like to write people on dating sites absurd ice breakers that most likely won't get a reply. This particular female didn't have too many interesting things to go into but under the section "Things I'm really good at" she replied with "I don't know, pooping?" Since that was unique enough for me, I wrote her with:

There's something sensually romantic about a girl who says she's really good at "pooping". That's a rare woman indeed who can shed her insecurities and share such a unique talent with the world. I'm fairly sure you universally raised the bar for all women with that single comment, which is something to be proud of.

(I sure hope you like sarcasm cause if not, I've already doomed myself.)

Now that I've actually broken the ice about... "pooping", perhaps we can talk about the fact that you're very interesting and your smile is extremely warming. No? Still wanna remain on the whole pooping thing eh? Weird girl, weird girl...

Well, I'll say this. If my profile or my sarcasm doesn't strike your fancy at least you'll be able to relate a story to your friends about some friggin weird guy who decided to hit on you while talking about number two.

I thing I've dug myself in a hole here (or latrine, whatever) and I'll just end with "It's a pleasure to meet you".

Number of replies: 0

Personalized License Plates

Posted: July 26th, 2014 - 12:40:01 PM
So when I was around twelve years old I thought one of the coolest things you could do as an adult was to own a personalized license plate. I just thought the concept of driving away with that one word quip being the last thing someone saw, was pretty damned cool. Nonetheless, I always knew the first thing that I'd get when I finally procured my automobile would be a personalized license plate.

When I turned 17 and upon owning my first car my father put down the personalized license plate form in front of me and I was given three different blanks for desired license plate numbers. When finally staring at this blank piece of paper and trying to come up with something cool and clever, I had a massive bout of writer's block. It would seem that coming up with a cool license plate number is like trying to write something clever in an incredibly rigid Twitter message where you could only use 8 characters. Eventually I think i just wrote down my current online handle which was "Nogame" at the time. I didn't end up paying the $75 to purchase it though, seeing as though I became pretty weak and flaccid in the face of creativity.

Some people though, do not become barren when thinking of clever license plate names and when I was around 25 years old, I found such a person. This woman was a lordly individual. She loved her god and she was damn proud of it. Bumper stickers, a proud (and somewhat snobby) look on her face and a very visible bible in her back window really told you that this woman was the very image of devotion. That central theme that dominated her car and then continued to her license plate where she had came with an appropriate means of showering her religion with the praise she felt deep down in her heart. Her license plate simply said:


Could you imagine how popular she must have been at church? I do declare, the congregation must feel she was a truly inspired woman with such a relish for her faith that she would praise Jesus every moment of her life on the road. Letting everyone know in fact, that Jesus, who died for our sins (I'm not sure if you knew that, but I hear it's all the rage), is our Lord!


What I would have given to be a fly on wall when the obvious oversight came to light. I wonder if anyone ever told her. I wonder if she hung it up in her garage after it expired. I wonder how much something like that would go for on Ebay because I feel it's high time I show my devotion as well.

Sometimes life gives you lemons other times it gives you jizlords.

Church and the Bibble

Posted: July 25th, 2014 - 9:48:39 PM
Anyone that knows me understands that I'm not a religious man. I'm just not a man of faith and in the immortal words of a great philosopher "This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby!". Nonetheless when I was younger I did love me some basketball. My buddy Matt went to a Baptist church and he approached me about joining it's basketball team. I was very hesitant but I did wanna play some organized basketball. So I asked "Do I have to go to church?" he replied with "Just once a month or so, I think". I figured I could endure church once a month for some basketball, so I agreed.

I'll stop right now and say that 'enduring church once a month' is not the right perspective to have when going to church but I was 17 and I was far more devoted to a basketball court than to any faith. Moving on...

So the first (and only) time I joined Matt for church was on a Sunday. He said it would look rude to bring a Gameboy so I sat there and listened to the sermon. Had the preacher been talking about super powers, girls or even He-man, I would have been in rapt attention but sadly I was supposed to feel guilty. Afterwards they sent us to a youth group (I think that's what it was called). It was basically one guy in his 20's talking to the church's youth about godly stuff (and sadly Zeus was never mentioned even once). So as everyone's going into this large room I noticed a very cute girl, a lot fold out chairs and on each chair there was a bible. I chuckled and as Matt and I were sitting down and I said in a voice that was much louder than necessary:

"Who's Holly Bibble?"

The entire room (did I mention it was large?) went dead silent and still and turned to look at me. I was thinking 'oh shit!, they are going to whoop my ass!' Everyone stared at Matt and I (I'm sure he got a lot of shit for inviting me) and after an awkward few moments, people started to sit down while tentatively glancing over to me, with what looked to be some sort of mixture of disdain and the look you get when you bite your tongue. So yeah... that didn't go well. Turns out my humor just didn't really blend (imagine that) with the religious masses.

I never went back and due to excessive cursing during basketball games (whooooops), that was not-so-sadly short lived as well. I mean when you're shooting a free throw, miss, curse and then see people on the sidelines doing that thing where they use their hands to cross their chest, undoubtedly warding off evil spirits (presumably me), you pretty much have to assume that their lives would just be happier without you in it.

Oh and that cute girl I mentioned... oddly enough she seemed a little bit more distant after the youth group instance. I don't know when but I have faith she'll come around eventually.

Online Dating Icebreaker: A Beautiful Mind

Posted: July 24th, 2014 - 11:42:37 PM
So from time to time I like to write people on dating sites absurd ice breakers that most likely won't get a reply. Sometimes their profile just asks for it. This particular female didn't include all that much info about her personality. This was my icebreaker:

How to come off in an interesting, clever and in a fun manner, let's see...

Have you seen A Beautiful Mind where Russell Crowe plays a brilliant mathematician that can see formulas in his mind like old people eat prunes? Am I like that? (well, the Russell Crowe thing not the old people thing) No, I'm not like that, not in the slightest. I can however, sometimes do small napkin math to figure out how to split a check. Which in itself is pretty impressive. So I think I've got the clever part down pretty solid, I'm sure you'd agree.

Interestingly enough I once wrote a beautiful women on a dating site and told her that I was not like Russell Crowe from A Beautiful Mind but I could, however, do math on a napkin. Interesting? Yes. Sad? Very. Fun? Well I'm having fun writing this so I think that should be admissible as evidence.

If you've somehow mistaken my mental insanity for clever and witty banter, perhaps you'll make the mistake of messaging me back!

Number of replies: 0

Online Dating Icebreaker: Perfectly Shaped Cranium

Posted: July 15th, 2014 - 10:24:26 PM
So from time to time I like to write people on dating sites absurd ice breakers that most likely won't get a reply. Sometimes their profile just asks for it. So on this particular female's profile she had said that she liked to write and that's important to be able to laugh at yourself when you are as clumsy as she. This was my icebreaker:

I enjoy writing myself. I put up a website where I write for my friends and regale them with interesting interactions from my exploits in online dating (among other things). Allow me to clarify, when I say "interactions" I really just mean me interacting while those on the other end who are most likely shooting guns in the sky, abusing animals and randomly pillaging low income housing. They clearly have to be doing all of these things since they don't have time to reply to my oh-so-interesting messages. But I digress...

So you're 5'10? I'm 6'2 and in the event that crazed birds were flying bye overhead and we were running for our lives, that 4 inches of height... it's gonna be the first target they see. They are going to go for my perfectly shaped target of a cranium while you run for safety. You know what? I call that security. I mean, that kind of security (and the frequency of its use) is pretty invaluable and not to be taken lightly.

You say you're clumsy? Hey, I got your back. I have ninja-fast hands and in the event that you start to topple over, they will grab you and hold you steady. Let's be honest here, how many introductory messages have you received that claimed they had ninja-fast hands? I'd say not too many and did they also claim to type their entire message in less than 7 seconds? Because that is yet another one of the benefits of having ninja-fast hands.

Number of replies: 0

Online Dating Icebreaker: Ninjas and/or Ghosts

Posted: July 15th, 2014 - 7:32:58 AM
So from time to time I like to write people on dating sites absurd ice breakers that most likely won't get a reply. Sometimes their profile just asks for it. So on this particular female's profile she had some pretty fun stuff in there and I was actually kind of hoping I'd get a response but I felt she needed some absurdities, it just fit her personality. This was my icebreaker:

Alright, so in the event that I feel someone is interesting enough that messaging them may be fun, I look through their profile for small pieces of information that may be fun to write about. So when I saw the use of the word 'shenanigans' (in the second sentence, no less) I knew it was done, a message would be forthcoming. It's just a matter of time at that point. However when I saw:

"Using the power of ninjas /ghosts to overcome anything"

When I got over the shock to the exposure of your awesomeness, I figured you're far too cool for just a normal message so I've gotta step up my game, say something clever! (if you were to see me right now I'd be standing up, loosening my shoulders and doing other things of a manly variety that may give off the indication that I'm getting ready for some epic power struggle... or you know, messaging someone on a dating site).

So here we go, a little rant about who I am and why I should picked for either the next American Idol or for you to message me back. Hey, I'm not picky here but if I had to choose, I'm going to go with option #2 because you know, celebrity status, being rich, famous mehhhhhhh, I'd rather fight with the power of ninjas and/or ghosts and perhaps be a sour patch kid. But hey, I digress...

Look, mountains are high, rock climbing walls is so terribly.. climby and when you're up there looking down on the world you're going to need someone to shout sarcastic shit at all the people down below. That's only one of the things that's on table here Lindsey! And you know what goes well with rock climbing? Writing. That's right, writing. Now I'm not even sure how that's a logical conclusion or even remotely relevant but here I am, saying it, concluding it. That's another thing we have on the table here Lindsey, someone who will make absurd conclusions to keep things interesting. You think an army of ninjas and/or ghosts is scary? Well yes, it's actually quite terrifying and I did have something in response to that but the total fear and angst that visualizing an army of ninjas and/or ghosts is apparently very potent and I think I'm going to have to change the subject now because I'm clearly shaken. Hot damn Lindsey! That's the third thing I'm bringing to the table, the ability to show fear and or cowardice in a introductory greeting on a dating site. I'm fairly sure that approach is not a very popular one but that's what I'm going to go with here.

So Lindsey, c'mon, rocking climbing, ghosts, sour patch kids, boxtops, all that sounds fine and dandy but what you really need is a a person who is willing to shout sarcastic shit at people while making absurd conclusions and trembling at the mere thought of an army of ghosts and/or ninjas.

I mean, I'm not mathematician here but I'm pretty sure all that just equals up to "awesome".

Message me and I promise there will never be a dull moment (or even sanity).

Number of responses: 0


Posted: July 14th, 2014 - 6:13:22 AM
So I was invited to a 1980s theme birthday party for a volleyball buddy of mine. So I bought matching Dumb and Dumber outfits that my girlfriend and I could sport. Since Dumb and Dumber didn't come out in the 80s I taped a paper sign on my back that read:

That movie is from the 90s you dumbass!

Anyways, the party was fun and my 7 year old daughter had a great time. There was a stage with a microphone and she loved to get up there and dance in front of people. My daughter ended up dancing around with all the little boys, pretty much all night long. She met a lot of people, made some new friends, ate some cake and was pretty damn happy.

Eventually the night had to come to an end and I told my daughter to say goodbye to all of her friends. I start to collect our stuff from the table and I hear someone picking up the microphone. I turn around to see what's going on and my daughter has the mic and says:

"Everyone" (she waits for everyone's attention) "I'm leaving."

She then puts the microphone back down and walks out without further conversation.

Daddy was proud.

Online Dating Icebreaker: Hunids

Posted: July 13th, 2014 - 10:52:23 PM
So from time to time I like to write people on dating sites absurd ice breakers that most likely won't get a reply. Sometimes their profile just asks for it. So on this particular female's profile said very bluntly that she didn't wanna see thugs with "hunids and hunids of bills". She also said she enjoyed a man with creativity. This was my icebreaker:

So I was just sitting around on a Monday night thinking about how I could properly bling up my teef with diamonds and gold fillins and then I saw your profile. After I put down my 40, I called my boy Rico and was all like 'Yo, I found a chick that paints all kinds o shit'. Rico was properly impressed and afterwards he came over my place to take a peep. After my mums yelled at him to keep it down cause its so late, Rico done saw you on the computer. He was like 'DAMN MAN, she's fine yo!' and then he said a whole bunch of shit that I didn't understand but I didn't wanna look the fool so I simply nodded vigorously. I then had Rico help me out with which penis pic to send you but Rico got a little too involved in the process and made me pretty uncomfortable. I told him to cut that shit out and made his ass leave. Later I decided that none of my current penis pictures properly conveyed the depth of emotions I was feeling so I figured I'd take a new one for you. Fuckin foiled again! The phone on my camera is all jacked so I had to think creativity, I mean I wouldn't want to offend you by not sending you a picture of my manliness. So anyways, couldn't take a picture but I remember my mums had a scanner.

So the scanner was a fucking horrible idea. Needless to say I will not be sending you a picture of Thor tonight. I didn't foresee that the scanner had a 'snap' mechanism and well, I think this may ruin my game for at least the next few days. I feel a little betrayed by technology and somewhat sad for all the women who will not be graced with my pictures for the coming week.

Anyways, I just felt an explanation was in order for why's I didn't send a proper pic and I hopes to talk to you later. PEACEEEEEEEEEE PLAYAAAAAAAA

Number of replies: 1

She did reply, just once to say "lol". Then alas, she had taken my words, used them to her own designs and then cast me into the wind with no further contemplation. It's a rough thug life.

My Best Man Speech

Posted: July 13th, 2014 - 10:45:29 PM
I went to a wedding last year as the best man to a very dear friend. I took my best man speech very seriously so I toasted my friend with a few laughs at his expense. Which, now that I think about it, kind of sums up our childhood relationship. Here ya go:

So we're here to celebrate the union of Justin and Leticia (and what a lovely couple they make). While I've only known beautiful Leticia for the very briefest of times, I have known Justin for much, much longer and while you now look at the all-too-studly man before you, I thought it would be fun to look back on Justin's childhood from the eyes of a very close friend.

Athletic, good looking, tidy, clever and fun. Keep in mind we're still actually talking about Leticia here. Justin on the other hand was skinny, quiet and terribly bad at talking to women. We used to go to the skating ring together thinking we would talk to all the pretty girls, you know, be super cool. Oh and we did, that is, if you consider hanging out by the arcade games, drinking slurpies and being too petrified to engage females in even the briefest form of conversation. "Um... excuse me, do you have the time?" "8:30" "Thanks!" "NICE ONE BUDDY, YEAH!" I just made that part up, that never happened, we never even got that far.

Justin eventually grew up to be quite a good looking man, or, you know, so I've been told. On no less than three occasions I introduced him to girls I was trying to impress only to find that Justin impressed them far more with his good looks than I did with all of my charm. That sucked. Thanks bro. Nonetheless he kind of looks like Justin Timberlake, except JT can dance and as you're about to witness, it's not a common trait between them.

Alas, my very dear friend was stolen from me after high school by the marines. We'd keep in touch through short letters to inform each other on how our lives were going. He'd talk about how super buff he was getting, coughLIEScough and I'd tell him how boring college was. Justin is a very good humored man and thankfully forgiving, because he eventually forgave me when I sent a letter in boot camp, in an envelope sealed with a rainbow sticker and the accompanying words of "be proud of who you are" on the outside.

Now I may be standing here as the "best" man but it takes a truly special man to put up with an asshole like me for his entire life. That man, is Jason Young. Er, Justin, Justin Young.

All joking aside, Justin and Leticia are a beautiful couple and I feel very fortunate to witness their lives evolve. Please, give these two your warm regards and remember this moment as I'm sure, I always will.

Dear Ex-Wife

Posted: July 13th, 2014 - 3:51:00 PM
So in November of 2012 my wife told me she was leaving me. Up until that point I didn't even see a problem with our relationship (as I said, I'm not very perceptive). She moved on, I stumbled on and eventually became a better man from it. What I failed to see at the time of the divorce is that I needed to grow. I was basically set in my ways at the age of 33. I didn't really have many expectations left in life and if I may say so, it was kind of pathetic. So she gave me a traumatic kick in the ass that changed my life for the better. That realization is easy to say now but it took a lot of long nights of discovery and growth to come to that conclusion.

Though my personality hasn't been altered too much, my lifestyle these days is so much more different then it used to be. It's just better. I'm happier, I want more, I'm motivated to get it and I want to make my small little mark on the world. Being that I'm a total geek about personal growth, I decided to write my ex-wife to let her know how I was feeling these days.

Below is my letter to her which I feel is just fine to share since I only really insult myself and if you've been reading this website for any length of time, that's far from unusual. Anyways, enjoy:

So I've been meaning to write this for a while but it just never seemed the right time. I don't expect a reply, don't really need one. I just hope that these words can convey things that I couldn't really convey before. So sit back, get some popcorn, enjoy the rant.

When you departed I actually got to experience life alone for the first time. I mean, I did live alone over off Rouse Rd for around 8 months but that was a different time in my life so we'll excuse the lack of self-reflection. Anyways, I was suddenly doing "new" things, wondrous, fabulous things that no mere man has done before. You may have heard of such fabled things such as "laundry" or "dishes". Tasks that surely Indiana Jones had researched, sought after and sadly, came back from an expedition empty handed. So I'd try to fit these tasks into my daily life and come to find out... it was remarkably easy. Why I could take a mere break from my job to switch the laundry out and it wasn't a life altering ordeal, just something to pass the time. As I found these new tasks, they cost time but never so much as it really felt like it was a huge dent in my day.

As I did the weekly routine I found that I cared for things a lot more. One of which became the house: how it looked, how I could improve upon it. I started to feel like I owned the place. I started taking better care of the landscaping, thinking about how things could be different. After taking a few queues from my now ex-wife, I realized that I'm perhaps not as tidy as I had once thought so I tried to be a little better about that.

Enter dogs. OHHHH THE DOG PISS! My god, how absolutely infuriating it would be to have everything nice, tidy and clean and the dogs piss on the floor. THE RRRRRAGEEEEE! Going one step further, a new dog that has bouts of competition against a smaller, black, loud and yippy dog (I won't name names here) and they decide to pee on almost every corner imaginable to show their dominance. Which by the why, I think (as the distinguished gentlemen that I am), if I were to show how masculine I was to other males, I might... just... not piss in their house, just sayin. While I've tried to convey that previous point to the dogs in question numerous times, it has not yet beared fruit.

As I'm going through all of these small changes, I find myself thinking that I never did any of this stuff before and (aside from the dog piss cleanup), none of it was really hard to do. In fact, I started to feel a sense of self-worth. I changed from the perspective of procrastination and the concept that finishing a task is an accomplishment worthy of relaxation to proactivity and the concept that finishing a task is a great way of being able to focus more heavily on the next task at hand. After being in this mode for a while I started to see life a little more clearly. My memories of my life with you became somewhat less clouded by ego.

I was a pretty shitty husband. I mean, don't get me wrong. I wasn't a mean husband, I was relatively nice and had moments of sweet gestures but I was a bad husband when it came down to it. Your relationship went from sharing your life with someone you had genuine interest in to being with someone that you had to motivate to share the responsibility of being a husband and father. When I finally did get off my ass, I complained about the labor I was doing so much that you had to do that insignificant chore yourself because you didn't want to hear the complaining and it just wasn't worth the stress (yard work comes to mind very quickly). Let's add those rather illustrious qualities to the fact that I was thoroughly addicted to video games. Not only did I complain about the chores but I had the most feeble and unproductive excuse on why I needed to procrastinate.

Even after admitting these things to myself, I still thought "Hey, if she would have told me about these problems (you did), I'm a hip guy, I could have changed". After lingering on that concept off and on over a few months, I realize that I couldn't. I had lived my life the way it was for so long, such a large shock to my daily activities wouldn't have been met with compromise, I'm shamed to say it but it would have been met with resentment. I wouldn't have changed or if I would, it wouldn't have been what you deserved.

All in all, realizations realized. You were right to leave me (not that you needed confirmation, I just think a bit of praise is deserved). If I were put in the same situation you were, I'd like to think that I would have had the courage to do what you did. I'm sorry that these life lessons didn't come until I was 35 years old but it kind of took something traumatic to reevaluate my life and without you kicking my ass, I'd still be that same person I was before. I like who I am now, I have a great deal of self worth and I'm a better father than I was (apologizing for being a lazy father would be a much, much longer email). I don't know how you feel I perceive you but its pride. I'm not the most perceptive of people, it takes time for me to see things with any sort of clarity because I see what I want to see, not what's really there. With plenty of time to ponder things, the one thing I do know is Kira is very lucky to have you for a mother and it's something that makes me sleep a little easier at night.

Physical Attraction

Posted: July 13th, 2014 - 3:48:29 PM
Why is physical attraction such a road block? It's that odd thing that I can't seem to get past. You are either attracted to someone or you're not and sadly I'm not immune to this flaw. It would be lovely to meet someone regardless of their physical appearance, go on a date and let the chemistry dictate the next step. As it is right now, if you're on a dating site you're ultra picky (you can afford to if you're a female) and before you look at their personality you pick the person who doesn't have any visual flaws in any of their pictures. Do their pictures show the whole body? Are these pictures old? You criticize and postulate just how things may go and it's all based on physical attraction. In some cases, I am sad to report that the pictures on dating sites are generally the best those people have to offer which lends itself a little bit more to being ultra selective.

As you may have guessed, I'm also a slave to physical attraction. If that makes me shallow, then there you have it, I'm shallow. I wish it weren't that way but it's like this odd makeup of societal pressure and predisposed interests into certain features. I'm aware of it, I can make sense of it but I can't get past it.

From what I've gathered I'm certainly on the low spectrum of the issue. I am not an attention to detail kind of person but I do notice the face. The face is what does it for me, the face is where I perceive aesthetic beauty originates from. The body type is vastly secondary and from opinions of the disbelieving females I've known, I don't seem to notice breast size or a nice butt. I think when you look at those features first you seem to be compelled by the wrong thing. I mean don't get me wrong, sex is fantastic but it's just sex. It's essentially the ‘icing on the cake' but it's not what motivates me to be a better man. When you are looking at breasts and butts before looking at the face, I think you're looking past the beauty and just focusing on lust. To each their own of course but the way I see it, when you wake up in the morning and roll over to see a beautiful face looking back at you, you'll try a little harder. You'll put more of an effort in, you'll do what you can for that person because your heart swells a little more when you see a smile on that face. To me, that's motivating.

Nonetheless, physical attraction is a huge pain in the ass. It's even worse when it's used against you. Look, I'm a male and not that perceptive of one. However I've had females use their feminine wiles to change my opinion. I've been in arguments with a female and then they all the sudden feel it's too hot in the room and then, blam, pants are off. I'm generally very attracted to the women I've loved so it's very hard to compose my thoughts when something like this occurs. I end up losing my train of thought and the ideals that I held so dear. If there is shallowness in saying you're attracted physically to someone, I think it's when you aren't man enough to maintain your beliefs when faced with a beautiful body trying to sway your opinion. Friggin sneaky women!

It's odd that a societally attractive female makes my blood boil when I know she's interested in me. Perhaps it's simply the thought that other people desire her but she desires me. That's always a nice boost to the ego. Perhaps it's just simply attraction, she is beautiful, she's someone I'd like to have around more and potentially someone I'd like to come home to at night. I'm not quite sure why physical attraction affects me like I do but it's certainly an important factor when evaluating a potential match.

I'm not Superman and I'm certainly not the best of men. I'm just a man that hates going out on a first date and wondering why he's already decided that it won't work out due to a physical appearance. Though I ponder this lack of understanding, I don't think I'm a big enough man to change that aspect of my love life.

Bread Ties

Posted: July 13th, 2014 - 8:28:40 AM
There is a special place of happiness and dreams with fluffy white clouds and great forest with extremely thin trees that give off the most refreshing of scents. Everything is calm, there is no hunger, humans or hands that exist there so all the world is refreshingly carefree. You can hang around, twisted up as comfortable as can be and without a worry or concern.

This place exists. It has to. Otherwise there is no logical reason that my bread ties try to flee within three seconds of being removed from my loaves of bread. I'm serious! It's far too consistent to be a simple misplacement.

I've now become quite paranoid upon the beginning stages of my sandwich creation. Though rattled by the imminent fleeing of the bread ties, I start off simple enough. Things get to working, ingredients start smelling good and before too long I have a tasty, delicious sandwich in front of me. WOooOHoo! Before I can eat it however, I must put my bread back in the...


Gone again! That little bastard bread tie has made the 1017th attempt to escape to bread tie heaven (or whatever those little shits call it). Now I've got my tasty delicious lunch right in front of me, getting cold and I'm having to find this rebellious bread tie that has gone rogue. GAH! In the first few minutes of pathetic searching I give in to the temptation of the sandwich as my right hand picks it up and puts it in my maw while my left hand desperately picks up items on the counter to find that fucking bread tie.

That's when it hits me! Bread ties have a cloaking mechanism too! NoOooOOoOOOOOOooo!!!

It's a futility! I've already ate my sandwich over a stressful meal and I want to drop kick babies. I give up, just tie my loaf of bread in a knot and stow it away. I turn around, go in the other room and hot dammit, bread tie on the floor.

It almost made it.

Good thing my lighter never hides, I'll be introducing the two shortly.

A First Date

Posted: July 13th, 2014 - 12:09:26 AM
Shortly after getting into online dating I had scheduled my first date with a girl that I was very excited to meet. We said we'd meet at Panera Bread for lunch and coffee. So being that I'm a very prompt individual I arrived at Panera Bread 15 minutes early. It's not that I needed to 'case the joint' per-say but I just didn't want her to be waiting on me, I felt that may have set a bad precedent.

So I'm standing around the restaurant with a few minutes to kill and my imagination is going nuts. Now I'm sure this would happen to just about anyone in the same situation but I've got a pretty overactive imagination. I started to look around the restaurant for people that may be my date but somehow looked drastically different from any of her photos. I then looked around and saw this little old lady eating soup. She was watching me and I was like "oh that would be awesome if that was my date, that would just be perfect!" I watched for her for a little while and then at that point my date walked right past her and said "Hello Mason". My date was every bit as breathtaking as her photos had indicated and our little lunch date started without a hitch.

All the time we talked on our first date, I couldn't help but think that if she would have bribed some little old lady to introduce herself to me and pretend she was my date... I would have been far more excited about everything. Years down the line we could have remarked about how we first met and it would be a fantastic story about how she outsmarted me before I even knew who she was.

Perhaps the next date will be more clever and deceptive.

Wearing Sunglasses Indoors

Posted: July 12th, 2014 - 11:53:46 PM
What the shit people?

I went to the Florida mall with my daughter today and as I languished on the outskirts of the children's playground I passed the time by people watching. There were probably close to a dozen males that were wearing their sunglasses indoors. Notice I didn't say females and that's due to females not being severely mentally deficit in terms of either fashion or common sense.

Yes, it is a pet peeve of mine (how'd you guess?) but in my life's long travels I've only come across three good reasons for wearing sunglasses indoors:

1) You are blind
2) You are hungover
3) You are hoping like hell that nobody recognizes you from that infomercial you did at 2 AM in the morning that ripped off thousands of people.

Aside from the extremely exceptional #3 reason, there are really only two reasons that are justifiable. The men I saw dawning their supa cool shady shades today were trying to either look cool (cough) or be hard (YO BRO). The "hard" thing seemed to work because people certainly kept their distance from those sunglass-wearing individuals, mainly the females but effective nonetheless. The guys who look cool though, wow, what a threat to the gene pool. I just wanted to walk up them and say:

I'm sorry sir but those sunglasses are redundant indoors. Not only do they not offer you protection from the harmful UV rays but they also don't make you look any more interesting. The same could be said for your hair that leans 4 inches to the right, your jeans that almost caused you to trip into that baby over there or that fantastic wife-beater you're sporting that depicts what looks to be the Canary Islands out of mayonnaise stains that you've so clearly placed with artistic accuracy to show others how creative you are.

Well, I would start to say that but they'd probably not see me with to their poor eyesight due to unforeseen (no pun there) environmental deficiencies.

I mean, I feel the fashion appeal to wearing sunglasses indoors is very similar to the fashion statement of wearing camouflage to public places. Outside of the fact that I noticed you wearing your camouflage (which means it's not working), it just doesn't look at all fashionable. Nor does it really make me say "Hey, that person was in the armed forces, I'll give them more respect because they are wearing something my insane uncle wore when he chose to bathe in the river and tell secrets to rocks by the old barn in the woods." Chances are I just facepalm, take a mental record of a noteworthy topic and move on.

Look, I'm all for not giving a fuck about anyone's opinions and wearing or doing whatever it is they feel comfortable doing but impairing your vision just to look cool or sweating your ass off in the middle of the Florida summer to sport those cool, hip, cammies doesn't really exude much self confidence. That's when your personal choice becomes uncomfortable and if you're doing something uncomfortable just to be fashionable, well, it just looks like weak sauce to me. coughHIGHHEELScough


Posted: July 12th, 2014 - 11:13:03 PM
As I ponder my new life and how it's become.
Some nights filled with fondness and others with rum.
Things never used to seem so complex.
Before I realized my ego didn't allow me to reflect.
I thought I knew what was what,
I thought I was so very clever.
Now finding out what type of man I've become
is sadly, the hardest endeavour.
I don't have doubt that I make people smile,
Giving a joke while they laugh all the while.
I want to be remembered after my stories are told,
A smile that lingers long after its grown old.
I like who I am and who I tend to be,
but as I get older I find so many flaws in me.
Do I give enough? Do I care too little?
Are my stories just fluff? Is my resolve too brittle?
These things worry me as I become an older man,
I want to be better but retain who I am.
So where do I start. What do I do?
Who do I talk to? Where's Dr. Drew?
There are people in my life who ask the hard questions,
I just hope I can realize they are simply suggestions.
I seem to be my biggest enemy,
Hard-headed and stubborn (yet unintentionally).
When truth finally comes will I see it as a guide?
Or will I blindly look beyond it while it smashes into my pride?
Having doubt seems like a good start.
A means strengthening what I have in my heart.
A toast to what I don't know.
Will perhaps plant a small seed to grow.
Who knows, maybe I'll be proud of me,
for being as compassionate as someone once asked me to be.

Online Dating Icebreaker: Impromptu Poem

Posted: July 12th, 2014 - 10:37:57 AM
So from time to time I like to write people on dating sites absurd ice breakers that most likely won't get a reply. Sometimes their profile just asks for it. So on this particular female's profile she didn't have all that much to work with but I kind of felt like being absurd. This was my icebreaker:

While I could comment on your beauty, honesty and love of the arts (of which, I am also a huge fan) but I think I'd rather take a completely different tact because it'll just be a lot more fun. I did the following with an Irish accent I'n mind:

So you be blunt and that's the taste,
Perhaps you might also enjoy a warm embrace.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not boldly coming on,
I do however believe, that a compliment is easily achieved,
when looking at your smile and unique bunny ears,
or your service with Navy after 5 long years.
While a simple textual message may have been enticing,
I think it's more fun to be a silly and memorably enlightening.
If I'm not the man you want and you don't fall under my spell
Just look at it like this: you now have a very interesting story to tell.

Number of replies: 0

My Mother on Driving

Posted: July 12th, 2014 - 7:55:28 AM
My mother is only slightly insane. I'm thirty five years old and she still calls me up to tell me to floss my teeth. Perhaps other 35 year olds go through that as well but every time she says it I'm envisioning her being pimp slapped by an extremely elderly Hulk Hogan. Anyways, she must see herself as a sagely monk, high on a mountain who has thought through every mundane problem and has come up with the golden solutions that will save us from our dependence on our own ignorance. Nothing reflects this more than her back-seat driving.

My mom loves to give directions. Mind you, not correct directions but she's really good at giving directions. She'll just pipe up with "LEFT", "RIGHT" in her old mom voice. Long ago I realized she had no bloody idea of where these directions took her and I just kind of assumed she had some rare strain of tourettes that only manifests when she's in the passenger seat of my car. She also does this with my dad and it's pretty awesome to watch.

So the way my dad handles the situation, he just pretty much goes wherever she tells him to go. Now that's wisdom! He learned long ago that fighting the tide is a lot harder than actually going with the flow. She says "LEFT!" he goes left, she says "STRAIGHT!" he just goes straight. My father knows precisely the right directions, my mom (historically), does not. They will do this until they are inevitably lost then my mother gets nervous and says "Larry, I don't think we're in the right place" and my dad just nods. "Lets go back this way Larry", my dad follows without complaint and they get further established in their predicament. After a few of those interactions my mother will be really concerned and she'll look to my dad and a fun interaction will begin:

Mom: "Where are we Larry?"
Dad: "I don't know Jayne."
Mom: "You got us lost!"
Dad: "Now sugar, I followed all of your instructions."
Mom: "Don't do that! You know I don't know where I'm going!"

Then she gets a little huffy and puffy and my dad calmly starts off to where they needed to be. When I was younger this really made me laugh, I loved the concept and I even did it a few times to my mother as well (same result except I laughed with every direction given). Now that I think of it, it's somewhat heart warming in a weird Children of the Corn type way.

From now on though, I think dad should just tell mom that every destination is a surprise and that she needs to be blind folded... and most certainly gagged.

Online Dating Icebreaker: Criminology

Posted: July 12th, 2014 - 12:11:26 AM
So from time to time I like to write people on dating sites absurd ice breakers that most likely won't get a reply. Sometimes their profile just asks for it. This particular female said she was into criminology, CSI, stuff like that and that she was exploring a career change towards it. This was my icebreaker:

So you're into forensics? That's really ironic because I've left my DNA all over the place and the local CSI division still hasn't been able to piece together just who I am. I know what you're thinking, "wow, this guy is a winner!" and you'd be absolutely correct. Outsmarting an entire CSI division in at least four instances (all of which Federal, I might add) is no small task and though I'm not usually one to brag, I'm fairly proud of that fact.

So yea, I think by this time I've impressed you with my accolades enough that we could chat a little further. Perhaps meet up? By that 7-11? Perhaps behind it? Tell you what, give me your name, number and a few follicles of your hair and I will get ahold of you real soon.

Number of replies: 0

Online Dating Icebreaker: Bathroom Pics

Posted: July 12th, 2014 - 12:06:27 AM
So from time to time I like to write people on dating sites absurd ice breakers that most likely won't get a reply. Sometimes their profiles just asks for it. On this particular occasion this girl had made one thing very clear in her online profile:

"I don't date men with bathroom pics"

For those that don't know what that means, a lot of very clever (oh so clever) men will take pictures of themselves in the bathroom mirror. It pretty much screams "I don't have any remotely interesting pictures so here's the best I could manage".

Nonetheless, this was my response:

Here I was reading your profile summary and i got to the end and was shocked to read that you do not dig on bathroom pics? Well that just throws my game right off. I had this amazing thing I was gonna do with the curtain where it was open ever-so-slightly and I wrote "Hi" out of the mildew that grew there. It's kind of a bummer because that usually clenches it with women. There's just something about a man who writes with his own filth that just makes women go crazy but hey, I'm sure you already knew that.

Sadly, I'll be removing my two bathroom pic galleries from my profile for the coming weeks but all you have to do is ask and I'll have them right up there for viewing in no time.

Being that you clearly walk a different path from the norm, I just figured I'd say hello and ask if by chance you'd like to chat sometime. I can offer many more bathroom anecdotes among other things that drive women wild.

Hope to talk to you soon.

Number of replies: 0

How I got fired from TGI Fridays

Posted: July 11th, 2014 - 11:57:27 PM
So when you work at a restaurant as a waiter, nowadays you have a little card that you slip into your electric terminal. This card gives you access to all of your tables. Once you slide it all of your table numbers are visible. You'll see "Table 11, Table22, Table 23" etc. Back when I waited tables we didn't have cards, we just had personal numbers. Mine was 111. Everyone was pretty close at the TGI Fridays I worked at so most of us knew each other's numbers. Most of us were also assholes too.

If you were a social deviant (such as myself and all of my friends) you would go up to the computer and type in someone else's number. Oh, I see here that Rick has 4 tables. Let's log into one of those tables and change the table number from "11" to "I fuck sheep". Nice, alright, three more tables, three more stupid names...

This kind of stuff was a nightly occurrence. We'd log in to our tables and find that instead of tables 11, 22, 23 and 24 we'd see:

"I need a grumpkin"
"sheep balls"
"you suck!"
"I blow gnomes" (that was my personal favorite)

Anyways, one time I came in for a shift on Friday night and every manager we employed was sitting at a table together. As soon as I walked in they summoned me over. Of course I'm doing that 'oh shit, oh shit, what have i fucked up recently' kind of mental logging as I walk to the table.

I sit down and the General Manager gives me a receipt and says "what is this", I didn't notice anything off at the first glance and then I looked up at the table number and it said "Blow a goat!". Well now, isn't my face red. One of the other manager cringes as he sees it because he knows that I wouldn't have been the one to write it but knows that I'm going to be the one bent over by it.

It seems as though a customer that kept the receipt saw it while doing their taxes and figured they could make a few bucks off TGI Friday shy suing. Apparently it was an old couple, I surely didn't remember them, well due to all the goat blowing going on. Even though I clearly wouldn't have wrote this on my own ticket, I knew I was getting fired for it.

So I was let go.

Years later my then wife (who I had met at Fridays) were at a TGI Fridays (at a different location) having dinner and I noticed our waitress had a card attached to her lil belt. I started up a dialogue:

Me: hey, looks like you guys got cards now rather than personal identification numbers.
Her: Yeah, everyone had to switch. Apparently there was this one guy that printed out a ticket where...

I had a moment of pride while she retold me my own story.

Keys in the Fridge

Posted: July 11th, 2014 - 11:53:33 PM
So when I still worked in Corporate America (I still have blood-curdling nightmares), I would go out to lunch with a few friends. On this particular day I went with Mark and John to Firehouse Subs (I love me some Firehouse). As we arrived back in the parking lot John looked down at the leftover half of his sub and said "I hate bringing leftovers into work, I always forget them in the fridge and I leave work without them". Mark (always so very helpful) suggests "When I have leftovers that I have to leave in the company fridge, I leave my car keys with them so I won't forget my food when I leave work." John looks at him appraisingly and says "that is a REALLY good idea, thanks man!" Mark nods, happy to be of help.

We get back in the office, John leaves his car keys on top of his leftover sub in the fridge as suggested and walks to his desk in the back room.

Mark then turns to me and says "Now we can go hide his car."

I always liked Mark, we got along swimmingly. We both moved his car to a different level of the parking garage. Never did ask John how he found it.

I was a Horrible Friend

Posted: July 11th, 2014 - 11:44:32 PM
Back in college I had a friend named Alex. He was my best friend and we had a lot of fun together. The problem was, I was an asshole. The other problem was, Alex was homophobic. I messed with Alex all the time as any asshole friend would feel compelled to do.

One time we were out somewhat late at night and found a diner off the side of the road. We sat down to get some burgers and fries and the waiter came up. Our waiter was clearly homosexual and while quite nice, I could see Alex getting a little uncomfortable. Nonetheless we ordered and everything was going well up until the point I started flirting with our waiter. It's important to note that I'm in no way gay, okay, perhaps I have some fashion sense but as far as being homosexual: not guilty. Nonetheless, I flirted with our waiter throughout our time there and got progressively more aggressive until our meal came to an end.

I did all kinds of weird shit in front of Alex so he didn't think anything of it. At the end of the meal I told Sean I'd get the check and I'll be out shortly. He went to the car. I wanted to be alone for this little note I wrote on the check to the waiter. I wrote:

You are amazing, call me soon: 407.555.5555 - Alex

Of course the phone number was Alex's and I'm sure he would not have approved. Nonetheless, I never did ask him how that call went but I'm sure it was fabulous.

A Wonderful Driver

Posted: July 11th, 2014 - 11:32:18 PM
So back in college my friend Katey and I were driving down the road in good spirits. We pull up at a red light behind a big truck that has one of those 1-800 numbers that ask the all important question "How's my driving?" So I told Katey to dial it on her cell phone. Katey did so and I could hear the operator's rasping, long-term cigarette inhaling, complain receiving voice over the phone. Needless to say she did not seem all that gleeful. So I tell Katey to say a few specific things and it goes a little something like this:

Katey: "Hello, I'm behind truck #1029"
Operator: "Yes ma'am?"
Katey: "I'd just like to say he is driving magnificently!"
Operator: "He is? Really? Oh, well that's good."
Katey: "Oh yes, he's making me feel safe just being on the same road. He is truly a credit towards your company!"
Operator: "Well that's wonderful!"
Katey: "Yes, I am very happy with his driving coordination and I dare say that I will be shopping more frequently at your wonderful establishments in the near future!"

At this point (and I'm not making this up) the truck that we'd been bragging about runs the red light, almost hits another car and speeds away. Needless to say we were shocked. Before I thought better of it I said in a voice far too loud:

Holy shit! The truck just ran that red light!

At that point I hear the operator in her original raspy and unhappy tone say "...thank you for calling" and hung up. What are the chances that someone would actually call up to brag about his driving and then during that once-in-a-lifetime compliment he turns into a reckless driver? I think he just did it to make my story better. Mission accomplished.

Cards for the Occasion

Posted: July 11th, 2014 - 8:12:17 PM
I'm a person who likes a good story. I think when I get old, when my bowels don't agree with me and I won't be able to limbo, the things I will enjoy in life will be the interesting stories I'm telling or being told. With that in mind I try to remain memorable. Life is full of little expectancies. When a person has a birthday, that person is expecting a few "happy birthday" wishes, when someone trips in front of a pretty girl they are expecting the warm embrace of embarrassment shortly after. The way to stay memorable is to clash with someones expectations but in a good way.

I have a friend who is going to be moving from one job to another. I told her I'd show up for her last day at her job and I planned to bring a card. So I walked into a Hallmark Cards store today and the person behind the counter started a conversation that went a little like this:

"Can I help you with anything?"
"Yes, I have a friend that will be changing jobs soon so I'd like to get her a card that has absolutely nothing to do with changing jobs."
"Excuse me?"
"What's the most absurd cards you have to offer?"

She took me to a little card section that had about 9 different cards in it. These cards were essentially the Hallmark's version of misfit toys. A few caught my eye but didn't really hit the spot. Then... Bingo. I found the card that I was looking for on this on this so very special of occasions.

Tomorrow night when I give my friend her card she will be greeted with a very warm welcome of congratulations on her joyous and successful attempt at using the potty. Chances are, she'll remember this for a very long time and that's better than most people get.

This is what I wrote on the inside of the card:

If ever you have a bad day at work,
Remember there's not one but two dorks,
Who were always warmed by your smile,
And hopefully that memory can last for a while.

My Original Dating Profile

Posted: July 11th, 2014 - 4:04:30 PM
So when I joined an online dating site for the first time I ignorantly thought females would want a man with a sense of humor and while there's some truth to that, there seems to be a limit on how much humor one is supposed to share in their online dating profile. The following excerpt was my first online dating profile. While you may think this is funny and would possibly compel you to respond or even message someone on a dating site, I stand here before you a martyr of the online dating venue and a lesson that too much silliness is in fact, not good for your chances. Not a single lovely lady gave me the time of day until I trashed it and started over. Enjoy:

My Self-Summary

Though my Kung Fu is strong, I'm not one of the shirtless bros you'll be encountering on this site. Think of me more so as a nerdy guy at the core who has got dashing good looks (I'm going with "dashing" here) and a personality that is so refreshing you'll feel like you've just chugged a handful of Mentos. It would be correct to assume that I have no idea how refreshing Mentos are but the people in the commercials look so happy that I'm sure they are, in fact, quite refreshing.

I stand tall above the masses doing particularly awesome things! No, there have been no clinical trials to determine in fact how awesome these things are but programming, beach volleyball, being an awesome dad and polar bear wrestling have got to be pretty high ranking in the awesome category (especially the part about the polar bears). While a daunting task I'm looking for quite another awesome person to join me in wrasslin some polar bears. It's not really a full time gig, aside from polar bears, we could go out to eat, watch a movie, go to the zoo, hold up a gas station, check out the park, you know, endearing things that people do together. That my dear, is what I am offering here. The clock is ticking, supplies are running out and that nerdy and seemingly cowardly kid is about to change shifts at the gas station so now is probably the time to act.

What am I doing with my life

Oh... how coy you are. I see what you are doing... and I like it.

My life, oh the tales. My life is an epic journey of badassery. Have you seen the movie "The Rock" where they bust into Alcatraz to disarm a horrible chemical bomb? Yea, its like that. No, I mean it, it's precisely like that once you strip away the prison, the bomb, Sean Connery and... wait, let's keep Sean Connery. I'm totally Sean Connery just younger and more attractive. Er, let me start this over.

I am Sean Connery. Sometimes in my spare time when I'm not breaking into and out of prisons I watch movies at home, enjoy good food with friends and teach my daughter different accents for no other reason than I think its awesome. Being that I'm Sean Connery and all, I have a pretty decent job which I do from home and I've been working in my profession since I was 18 years old. It's also important to note that because I'm Sean Connery when I'm 90 years old, for no real logical reason, everyone will still find me extremely attractive and I will still be the only real Bond.

I'm really good at

Well, we've gone over the obvious stuff already... Polar Bears, disarming bombs, I can break into and out of prisons and I'll be damned if I can't chug some Mentos. Just in case you were looking for something a little more grounded, I guess I can also say that I'm exceptionally skilled at appreciating a lovely lady with my chivalrous deeds, being open about my feelings, keeping things light hearted and yet fun. I'm also awesome at keeping my pimp hand strong! (Note To Self: may want to re-assess that previous sentence later).

If all those things weren't enough, I excel at daddery as I've been told from my daughter (who was bribed with Pancakes to say it). I am also quite adept at loving on my awesome dogs, though small in stature, their adorabilityness (I totally just made that up) is rather epic.

The first things people usually notice about me

Well, people generally notice the massive similarities between myself, Sean Connery and Zeus (not the black guy that wrestled Hulk Hogan in the 80's, but like the greek god, yea, that one). Of which being implacably tall and of a bronze hue (that means I'm tan) are qualities people often mention before they faint from overexposure to my brilliance.

You should message me if

If you want to be entertained, I am your man. If you think I'm a headcase in my profile, you should see me on a date. I don't want to be just any headcase, I want to be your headcase (that little bit of romance right there, I have it in spades).

Though I may come off a little larger than life, I am but a small offering of epicness when compared to my daughter. She's a big part of my life (and clearly an inspiration for insanity) and while she's only around half of the time, she makes me the entertaining fellow that I am today. In addition to my lovely spawn, my four dogs (that's right four, dogs are awesome as hell, DEAL WITH IT) are the other portion of my life that makes me feel good on a daily basis. I love em, they love me. There's love dammit, CAN YOU NOT FEEL IT?!?! Anyways, if you don't dig on children or dogs, I don't believe I am the man for you. Perhaps Nicolas Cage is also available on OKCupid as an alternative?

Being that I'm Zeus (well, look like him at least, or not at all, whatever) I have all the religion in my life that I need. Not looking for those with hardline religious or political views. I entertain, not debate. All the love that I got to give goes to my dogs, my kid, perhaps that special someone (coughNUDGENUDGEWINKWINKcough) and after that, there's no room for God, IF THAT IS EVEN HIS REAL NAME! Okay, I'm am being told that it is in fact not his real name, my bad, lets move on.

I'm fun to be around, I make sarcastic comments and above all, I'm Sean Connery.

It just dawned on me that perhaps the female I'm seeking hates Sean Connery and all I've done here is build a wall of hate, disdain and poorly formed opinions. Pffft, yeah right, everyone friggin digs Sean Connery.