Online Dating Icebreaker: Nonsense Never Sells

Posted: January 8th, 2016 - 11:52:10 PM
Views: 4,331
So this particular person had a lot of interest in humor, comedy, nonsense... yada yada yada. I felt a fit of absurdity hit me so I figured I'd just kind of get off the rails and see where the thoughts took me. As per usual my silly flair chimed in pretty quick and I managed to alienate yet another soul from my ever-decreasing list of potential matches.

Silly, humor, comedy, nonsense... hmm, I'm not sure if I'm capable of any of that but I'll start off by saying that this is actually my second attempt at messaging you. The first one, I loath to admit, was thwarted. Yes it's true, I was going to type out what could only have been referred to as "classy" and "saturated with brilliance" by online dating reviewers (if that isn't a job now, just wait...) and needless to say, you'd have been pretty impressed. Alas, as I started to type it a black-clad man with superb kickboxing skills jumped out of the closet and we dun threw down.

Now I'm not one to brag here (cough) but I was pretty deft with my cat-like reflexes. Upon dispatching said black-clad man I was then confronted by what can only be described as a polar bear with some sort of herpes outbreak. You know, warts on lips kind of thing. Hey, I'm not judging, whatever the polar bear wants to do, with whoever he does it with is totally cool with me but anyways, moving on... So he starts chasing me and I had to make the quick decision of a) going for a weapon (which was ironically enough made specifically to fight herpes ridden polar bears) or b) grab the laptop to ensure I could safely message you at a later time. Wasn't really much of a decision, I grabbed the laptop and ran out the door.

At this point I had to reach deep down, you know, break out all the stops because it was time for parkour. I'm not sure if you're familiar with this but polar pears are not, in fact, very good with obstacles, jumping and traversing rooftops (I can confirm this as I saw it in National Geographic the other day). So I knew that would be my best means of escape. I mean, don't get me wrong Cynthia, I wanted to message you pretty bad but I mean, who's gonna fight a polar bear for you before the first date? Maybe after the 2nd or 3rd but at this point, I just wasn't really ready for that level of commitment. Nonetheless after a few neighborhoods and some amazingly talented acrobatics the polar bear was properly dismayed and I got away with the laptop to find myself at Starbucks coffee.

So here I am, regaling you with what I can only assume will be the most ludicrous message you've got on a dating website (at least, one that didn't have pictures of a guy's "manhood") in what hopefully comes off as a clever means of saying "hey, I'm silly and it's quite possible I know how to have a good time". Although I'm sure it could just as easily come off as "Hey, i think snapple bottles are fantastic conversationalists" but I'm hoping you'll assume the former.

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