My Original Dating Profile

Posted: July 11th, 2014 - 4:04:30 PM
Views: 6,886
So when I joined an online dating site for the first time I ignorantly thought females would want a man with a sense of humor and while there's some truth to that, there seems to be a limit on how much humor one is supposed to share in their online dating profile. The following excerpt was my first online dating profile. While you may think this is funny and would possibly compel you to respond or even message someone on a dating site, I stand here before you a martyr of the online dating venue and a lesson that too much silliness is in fact, not good for your chances. Not a single lovely lady gave me the time of day until I trashed it and started over. Enjoy:

My Self-Summary

Though my Kung Fu is strong, I'm not one of the shirtless bros you'll be encountering on this site. Think of me more so as a nerdy guy at the core who has got dashing good looks (I'm going with "dashing" here) and a personality that is so refreshing you'll feel like you've just chugged a handful of Mentos. It would be correct to assume that I have no idea how refreshing Mentos are but the people in the commercials look so happy that I'm sure they are, in fact, quite refreshing.

I stand tall above the masses doing particularly awesome things! No, there have been no clinical trials to determine in fact how awesome these things are but programming, beach volleyball, being an awesome dad and polar bear wrestling have got to be pretty high ranking in the awesome category (especially the part about the polar bears). While a daunting task I'm looking for quite another awesome person to join me in wrasslin some polar bears. It's not really a full time gig, aside from polar bears, we could go out to eat, watch a movie, go to the zoo, hold up a gas station, check out the park, you know, endearing things that people do together. That my dear, is what I am offering here. The clock is ticking, supplies are running out and that nerdy and seemingly cowardly kid is about to change shifts at the gas station so now is probably the time to act.

What am I doing with my life

Oh... how coy you are. I see what you are doing... and I like it.

My life, oh the tales. My life is an epic journey of badassery. Have you seen the movie "The Rock" where they bust into Alcatraz to disarm a horrible chemical bomb? Yea, its like that. No, I mean it, it's precisely like that once you strip away the prison, the bomb, Sean Connery and... wait, let's keep Sean Connery. I'm totally Sean Connery just younger and more attractive. Er, let me start this over.

I am Sean Connery. Sometimes in my spare time when I'm not breaking into and out of prisons I watch movies at home, enjoy good food with friends and teach my daughter different accents for no other reason than I think its awesome. Being that I'm Sean Connery and all, I have a pretty decent job which I do from home and I've been working in my profession since I was 18 years old. It's also important to note that because I'm Sean Connery when I'm 90 years old, for no real logical reason, everyone will still find me extremely attractive and I will still be the only real Bond.

I'm really good at

Well, we've gone over the obvious stuff already... Polar Bears, disarming bombs, I can break into and out of prisons and I'll be damned if I can't chug some Mentos. Just in case you were looking for something a little more grounded, I guess I can also say that I'm exceptionally skilled at appreciating a lovely lady with my chivalrous deeds, being open about my feelings, keeping things light hearted and yet fun. I'm also awesome at keeping my pimp hand strong! (Note To Self: may want to re-assess that previous sentence later).

If all those things weren't enough, I excel at daddery as I've been told from my daughter (who was bribed with Pancakes to say it). I am also quite adept at loving on my awesome dogs, though small in stature, their adorabilityness (I totally just made that up) is rather epic.

The first things people usually notice about me

Well, people generally notice the massive similarities between myself, Sean Connery and Zeus (not the black guy that wrestled Hulk Hogan in the 80's, but like the greek god, yea, that one). Of which being implacably tall and of a bronze hue (that means I'm tan) are qualities people often mention before they faint from overexposure to my brilliance.

You should message me if

If you want to be entertained, I am your man. If you think I'm a headcase in my profile, you should see me on a date. I don't want to be just any headcase, I want to be your headcase (that little bit of romance right there, I have it in spades).

Though I may come off a little larger than life, I am but a small offering of epicness when compared to my daughter. She's a big part of my life (and clearly an inspiration for insanity) and while she's only around half of the time, she makes me the entertaining fellow that I am today. In addition to my lovely spawn, my four dogs (that's right four, dogs are awesome as hell, DEAL WITH IT) are the other portion of my life that makes me feel good on a daily basis. I love em, they love me. There's love dammit, CAN YOU NOT FEEL IT?!?! Anyways, if you don't dig on children or dogs, I don't believe I am the man for you. Perhaps Nicolas Cage is also available on OKCupid as an alternative?

Being that I'm Zeus (well, look like him at least, or not at all, whatever) I have all the religion in my life that I need. Not looking for those with hardline religious or political views. I entertain, not debate. All the love that I got to give goes to my dogs, my kid, perhaps that special someone (coughNUDGENUDGEWINKWINKcough) and after that, there's no room for God, IF THAT IS EVEN HIS REAL NAME! Okay, I'm am being told that it is in fact not his real name, my bad, lets move on.

I'm fun to be around, I make sarcastic comments and above all, I'm Sean Connery.

It just dawned on me that perhaps the female I'm seeking hates Sean Connery and all I've done here is build a wall of hate, disdain and poorly formed opinions. Pffft, yeah right, everyone friggin digs Sean Connery.
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