Posted: July 28th, 2014 - 1:17:42 AM
Views: 5,496
Clearly I wasn't notified when cockroaches became the most feared predator in the world. Cockroaches are apparently evil spawns from the abyss that would steal your baby and flee into the night while keying your car and shouting expletives at elderly neighbors. While that doesn't sound entirely accurate that seems to be opinion of just about every woman I've ever dated. I just don't see it. When matched up against a shark the cockroach SHOULD lose the the top spot for 'most intimidating' creature but apparently it's neck and neck, well, if either creature had necks anyway.

Don't get me wrong though, I've certainly had my moments of fear. When I was around 10 years old I was going to go to my little league baseball game and I was putting on my baseball tights in the living room. My father and sister were on the couch nearby, watching TV. So I put these skin tight pants as I was fixed on the TV show. I get the pants all the way on and start putting on my jersey and that's when I felt a little bit of movement against my leg. Since my pants are white and skin tight it wasn't terribly hard to pinpoint the source of the disturbance which was evidently a two inch long Palmetto bug (aka huge-ass cockroach). That's when the girlish screams started howling from my mouthhole. Coincidentally girlish screams also erupted from my sister and she was having a hard time breathing while laughing at me running around the room while trying to get away from my pants (yes, I realize this seems like an absurd futility but it seemed so very necessary at the time). Eventually I got the pants off and the Cockroach was doomed by the ever-accurate foot of my father. I suppose it could have been worse though, that this whole thing could have played out while I was in the outfield of my baseball game. Talk about childhood trauma.

Probably the best memory of a cockroach incident was living with my ex-wife. She had this audible way of showing disgust that was unique to the sight of cockroaches. She'd see one and then I'd hear this guttural, throaty noise that went something like:


That noise was like the Bat Signal because when I heard it, I had to be a man and save my wife from the diabolical cockroaches who had ventured from their dark places in the house. So I lumbered away from my computer to find the roach in question. I survey the scene of the crime.

The roach or Palmetto bug was on the far living room wall, across from the kitchen. My wife was in the kitchen using the counter as a barricade in case, as I would have to assume, the cockroach opened fire. She was ducking behind the counter pointing over at the cockroach on the wall with quick flurrying hand gestures. Perhaps some incantation to ward off evil spirits? Dunno. I was already laughing really hard because she was so terrified despite the distance of over 20 feet and a countertop in between her and her what appeared to be her archnemsis. At this time we also had the A/C repair guy over and was in the laundry room welding something on the A/C. The laundry room was connected to the kitchen. After taking it all in, laughing at my wife's misfortune, I then take off my shoe and walk over to the cockroach. I'm about to take a swing and that's when the magic happened.

The roach sprouted wings and flew directly at my wife.

I didn't have time to react so I just sat there with this bemused expression on my face as my wife screamed at the top of her lungs and ran towards the closest exit available which was the laundry room, which was directly through the A/C guy who was welding, which was fucking awesome. She's screaming, clawing past the A/C guy, he's now freaking out cause he doesn't know what the fuck is going on and the cockroach has landed and is just happily sitting on the counter. He probably knew his time was up and was like "it was so worth it".

My wife freed herself from the shackles of the A/C guy and ran out of the house. I had to relieve the cockroach and explain to the A/C guy what happened, which was very hard seeing as though I couldn't breath from laughing so hard. The shocker was that my wife was not amused. At all. In fact that opposite of amusement, she was pretty pissed. I can't imagine why she'd be mad but then went into her room and closed the door.

Nowadays, I will sadly slay a cockroach when it ventures into my home but I do still feel bad for killing that cockroach that flew at my wife because due to his bravery, I have this awesome story to share.
Here's More Absurdities