Dear Ex-Wife

Posted: July 13th, 2014 - 3:51:00 PM
Views: 5,419
So in November of 2012 my wife told me she was leaving me. Up until that point I didn't even see a problem with our relationship (as I said, I'm not very perceptive). She moved on, I stumbled on and eventually became a better man from it. What I failed to see at the time of the divorce is that I needed to grow. I was basically set in my ways at the age of 33. I didn't really have many expectations left in life and if I may say so, it was kind of pathetic. So she gave me a traumatic kick in the ass that changed my life for the better. That realization is easy to say now but it took a lot of long nights of discovery and growth to come to that conclusion.

Though my personality hasn't been altered too much, my lifestyle these days is so much more different then it used to be. It's just better. I'm happier, I want more, I'm motivated to get it and I want to make my small little mark on the world. Being that I'm a total geek about personal growth, I decided to write my ex-wife to let her know how I was feeling these days.

Below is my letter to her which I feel is just fine to share since I only really insult myself and if you've been reading this website for any length of time, that's far from unusual. Anyways, enjoy:

So I've been meaning to write this for a while but it just never seemed the right time. I don't expect a reply, don't really need one. I just hope that these words can convey things that I couldn't really convey before. So sit back, get some popcorn, enjoy the rant.

When you departed I actually got to experience life alone for the first time. I mean, I did live alone over off Rouse Rd for around 8 months but that was a different time in my life so we'll excuse the lack of self-reflection. Anyways, I was suddenly doing "new" things, wondrous, fabulous things that no mere man has done before. You may have heard of such fabled things such as "laundry" or "dishes". Tasks that surely Indiana Jones had researched, sought after and sadly, came back from an expedition empty handed. So I'd try to fit these tasks into my daily life and come to find out... it was remarkably easy. Why I could take a mere break from my job to switch the laundry out and it wasn't a life altering ordeal, just something to pass the time. As I found these new tasks, they cost time but never so much as it really felt like it was a huge dent in my day.

As I did the weekly routine I found that I cared for things a lot more. One of which became the house: how it looked, how I could improve upon it. I started to feel like I owned the place. I started taking better care of the landscaping, thinking about how things could be different. After taking a few queues from my now ex-wife, I realized that I'm perhaps not as tidy as I had once thought so I tried to be a little better about that.

Enter dogs. OHHHH THE DOG PISS! My god, how absolutely infuriating it would be to have everything nice, tidy and clean and the dogs piss on the floor. THE RRRRRAGEEEEE! Going one step further, a new dog that has bouts of competition against a smaller, black, loud and yippy dog (I won't name names here) and they decide to pee on almost every corner imaginable to show their dominance. Which by the why, I think (as the distinguished gentlemen that I am), if I were to show how masculine I was to other males, I might... just... not piss in their house, just sayin. While I've tried to convey that previous point to the dogs in question numerous times, it has not yet beared fruit.

As I'm going through all of these small changes, I find myself thinking that I never did any of this stuff before and (aside from the dog piss cleanup), none of it was really hard to do. In fact, I started to feel a sense of self-worth. I changed from the perspective of procrastination and the concept that finishing a task is an accomplishment worthy of relaxation to proactivity and the concept that finishing a task is a great way of being able to focus more heavily on the next task at hand. After being in this mode for a while I started to see life a little more clearly. My memories of my life with you became somewhat less clouded by ego.

I was a pretty shitty husband. I mean, don't get me wrong. I wasn't a mean husband, I was relatively nice and had moments of sweet gestures but I was a bad husband when it came down to it. Your relationship went from sharing your life with someone you had genuine interest in to being with someone that you had to motivate to share the responsibility of being a husband and father. When I finally did get off my ass, I complained about the labor I was doing so much that you had to do that insignificant chore yourself because you didn't want to hear the complaining and it just wasn't worth the stress (yard work comes to mind very quickly). Let's add those rather illustrious qualities to the fact that I was thoroughly addicted to video games. Not only did I complain about the chores but I had the most feeble and unproductive excuse on why I needed to procrastinate.

Even after admitting these things to myself, I still thought "Hey, if she would have told me about these problems (you did), I'm a hip guy, I could have changed". After lingering on that concept off and on over a few months, I realize that I couldn't. I had lived my life the way it was for so long, such a large shock to my daily activities wouldn't have been met with compromise, I'm shamed to say it but it would have been met with resentment. I wouldn't have changed or if I would, it wouldn't have been what you deserved.

All in all, realizations realized. You were right to leave me (not that you needed confirmation, I just think a bit of praise is deserved). If I were put in the same situation you were, I'd like to think that I would have had the courage to do what you did. I'm sorry that these life lessons didn't come until I was 35 years old but it kind of took something traumatic to reevaluate my life and without you kicking my ass, I'd still be that same person I was before. I like who I am now, I have a great deal of self worth and I'm a better father than I was (apologizing for being a lazy father would be a much, much longer email). I don't know how you feel I perceive you but its pride. I'm not the most perceptive of people, it takes time for me to see things with any sort of clarity because I see what I want to see, not what's really there. With plenty of time to ponder things, the one thing I do know is Kira is very lucky to have you for a mother and it's something that makes me sleep a little easier at night.
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