My Mother on Driving

Posted: July 12th, 2014 - 7:55:28 AM
Views: 5,281
My mother is only slightly insane. I'm thirty five years old and she still calls me up to tell me to floss my teeth. Perhaps other 35 year olds go through that as well but every time she says it I'm envisioning her being pimp slapped by an extremely elderly Hulk Hogan. Anyways, she must see herself as a sagely monk, high on a mountain who has thought through every mundane problem and has come up with the golden solutions that will save us from our dependence on our own ignorance. Nothing reflects this more than her back-seat driving.

My mom loves to give directions. Mind you, not correct directions but she's really good at giving directions. She'll just pipe up with "LEFT", "RIGHT" in her old mom voice. Long ago I realized she had no bloody idea of where these directions took her and I just kind of assumed she had some rare strain of tourettes that only manifests when she's in the passenger seat of my car. She also does this with my dad and it's pretty awesome to watch.

So the way my dad handles the situation, he just pretty much goes wherever she tells him to go. Now that's wisdom! He learned long ago that fighting the tide is a lot harder than actually going with the flow. She says "LEFT!" he goes left, she says "STRAIGHT!" he just goes straight. My father knows precisely the right directions, my mom (historically), does not. They will do this until they are inevitably lost then my mother gets nervous and says "Larry, I don't think we're in the right place" and my dad just nods. "Lets go back this way Larry", my dad follows without complaint and they get further established in their predicament. After a few of those interactions my mother will be really concerned and she'll look to my dad and a fun interaction will begin:

Mom: "Where are we Larry?"
Dad: "I don't know Jayne."
Mom: "You got us lost!"
Dad: "Now sugar, I followed all of your instructions."
Mom: "Don't do that! You know I don't know where I'm going!"

Then she gets a little huffy and puffy and my dad calmly starts off to where they needed to be. When I was younger this really made me laugh, I loved the concept and I even did it a few times to my mother as well (same result except I laughed with every direction given). Now that I think of it, it's somewhat heart warming in a weird Children of the Corn type way.

From now on though, I think dad should just tell mom that every destination is a surprise and that she needs to be blind folded... and most certainly gagged.
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